Today marks exactly 20 weeks of the pregnancy – halfway! In reality, it’s probably more than halfway, because they are likely to come early. Then again, pregnancy didn’t actually start until around week three so I guess it evens out. Four more weeks until they are considered “viable.” I feel like we still have so much to do! Luckily, I have a couple of weeks off from classes in March when I’ll be able to start nesting hardcore.
I thought I should give an update on how I’m doing with the fears and anxieties that were so debilitating for me in the beginning of the pregnancy. Back then, I was so incredibly anxious about something bad happening to the pregnancy, it was really difficult to get through even one day without feeling completely overwhelmed with anxiety. Seeing a counselor at my school’s counseling center really helped – like a lot – even though I only saw her for four or five sessions back in October/November. I’m not sure I’ve ever done so much personal growth in such a short period of time as I did then, including all of the inward reflection I’ve had to do throughout my FTM transition. People always say, “kids change everything.” They already have.
Things are so much better now. I think it’s a combination of Molly feeling better physically in the nausea department (though there’s still no shortage of pregnancy-related symptoms), eased nerves about spontaneous abortion, starting to do the “fun” aspects of expecting such as picking out colors for the babies’ room and making a registry, and of course Molly’s ever-expanding belly (more photos coming soon!). The daily updates on nausea level have been replaced with updates on who’s kicking where…and who doesn’t want to hear about that?! Well, our friends could probably stand hearing a little less of it. But I think it’s wicked exciting, and I’m so looking forward to being able to feel them move.
I don’t feel particularly anxious on a day-to-day basis, but sometimes I do still find myself looking forward to the next milestone and thinking, “I’ll feel better when _____ ” and filling in the blank with everything from “24 weeks, the gestational age of viability” to “everyone comes home from the hospital.” But to some degree, I think that’s normal to feel. And unlike very early in the pregnancy, I’ve held on to the strong sense of resiliency the counselor helped me discover. That perhaps has made the most difference in my ability to manage my own fears and anxieties – and not just about the pregnancy.
Well, onward to the next 20 weeks!